X Chain of Destiny
by Feralious
Summary: It was impossible. No one could ever understand his feelings. His true self. But what if someone like him existed, someone who also thought he was not worth living... Do they really want to know what's underneath the surface? KiruKura. Shounen-ai.
1. Prologue: Bonds

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Hunter x Hunter, the characters or anything related to it.

Well, usually I finish a story before I upload it, but since there are only a few KiruKura fics online I presume everyone who likes this couple would appreciate it if I upload it sooner than planned. But! I warn you guys, I'll only update once in a while. I don't know how long the chapters will be, but I have to say I don't like fics with chapters which are way too short. I've written quite a bit now but I don't think it's gonna finish soon... I don't like to rush a story.

Oh, and I would like to thank TwistedHero, the one who wrote two of the best KiruKura fics out here! I really like 'em, since I also enjoy to read fics about my favorite pairings, and they're very good. My fics always end up being way too serious, while "In Love and Denial" and "Seme and Uke" are both cute and funny... Well, guess that's not my style, but never say never! Maybe I'll try it someday... -Laughs-

Anyway, let's get on with the story! I know the prologue is short, but the story's gonna be much longer!

* * *

**Chain of destiny **

_He had made a vow. He would destroy the Spiders and restore the eyes of his clan. But then he met someone who made him realize killing wouldn't solve a thing. He finally opened his eyes and peace took over his disturbed mind. That someone made him forget about everything he had sworn to die for. It was then he made another promise to himself. No matter what, he would protect those dear to him._

_He was born in a family of assassins. He could decide between life and death. But then he met someone who made him forget about everything he thought he lived for. He started living his own life instead of the one his family had chosen for him. He learned that there were things more important than killing. It was then he promised himself to use his skills for protection and caring of his friends._

Both owed him. Gon, son of Ging, was the one who calmed down their restless hearts. An avenger, an assassin, both turned into caring, protecting friends, willing to risk their lives if necessary. They learned about a strong bond, the bond of everlasting friendship.

But there were also other bonds, bonds they only shared with each other. Their bloody past, their desire to kill. Bonds only very few knew of. Gon had taken it away from the surface, but deep, very deep inside their hearts slumbered a dark monster, ready to take over. And they knew it. But if Gon knew, he would give it everything he had to prove otherwise. So they kept silent. They thought they were alone, not knowing they were living alongside someone who felt the same as they did. When the four of them were together they pretended to be happy and carefree, but they knew they were different. Alone. Helpless. Until they really got to know each other…

* * *

**A/N: **I've noticed that some of you who read this prologue decided not to continue reading, so I just wanted to tell you that the story in itself uses a completely different style of writing. That's why this isn't an actual chapter but just a prologue I put in to illustrate how Killua and Kurapika are both alike, instead of them just falling in love out of the blue. So here's a preview of what's to come:

_He kneeled down in front of the young man, who was still holding his wrist. It was the only source of warmth Killua had, so he didn't really mind. He stared at him, waiting for any sign, but he didn't move. His open eyes stared at the bottom of Killua's bed, still coloured scarlet._

_Suddenly his own black irises met the flame red ones. They were almost on fire, they were burning, they were piercing into his soul… and igniting it. Killua's face showed no emotions, but the cold suddenly disappeared. He wondered why. It was a strange feeling, but not unpleasant. It was comparable to the friendship he felt for Gon, only different._

* * *

Well, while I was writing I was listening to my music and suddenly I heard some lyrics which seemed to fit perfectly with this fic...

_Everybody has a face that they hold inside  
A face that awakes when I close my eyes  
A face watches every time they lie  
A face that laughs every time they fall  
And watches everything_

Song is Linkin Park's **Papercut**. I just had to add it. I don't really like or dislike song fics and I wouldn't actually call mine one, but to fill up the emptiness at the bottom of each chapter I'll be posting some lyrics which I think do fit with the scene. If anyone thinks this is a waste of the story, please tell me. I hope you enjoyed the prologue.


	2. Chapter 1: Night

_I walk alone  
Think of home  
Memories of long ago  
No one knows I lost my soul long ago_

**Three Days Grace - On my own**

(I'm not very content with this chapter, the real stuff starts in the next one._)  
_

* * *

"Hey Gon! How're you doing?" He launched his skateboard and landed on both feet, catching it with his left hand. His right one messed with the other boy's hair. "Oh, and Kurapika. Good to see you too." Killua looked aside at the young man who was leaning against the wall.

The blonde nodded. "Now we only have to wait for Leorio. My guess is he's late again. He may be a doctor now and stuff, but he'll always be the same, lousy Leorio," he sighed.

"Hey, I heard that!"

They turned around, behind them stood their old friend, his suitcase in his hand. "It was busy at work, not my fault."

"Leorio, it's Sunday," Kurapika calmly opposed the excuse. "And you don't have to make up another sham, we're your friends, we know you're always late. Now let's get going."

"Neh, pops, is that suitcase filled with lead or what?" Killua asked, raising an eyebrow. "Maybe that's what's slowing you down."

"Hey, who're you calling pops, you twerp!"

Kurapika started laughing, Killua just grinned and took a step forward so that he could confront Leorio head-on. "That's in the past, Riorio. Some time has gone by since the Hunter Exam, you know? We've all grown – well, except for Kurapika, he's still as small as back then." He grinned again and turned around, patting his head in a father like way. It was true, nowadays Kurapika was the smallest among them and especially Killua liked to tease him with this fact, while he and Gon had become two handsome young adults.

"You may've become taller, but you didn't get any mature, Kill," Kurapika simply answered, pushing away his hand. Killua tilted his head, frowning. Kurapika smiled innocently.

"Wait, was that supposed to be an insult?"

"Stop it!" Gon jumped between them, his hands resting against their chests so they couldn't get any closer to each other. His inhuman strength came quite in handy now, since it looked like they we're going to start a fight as soon as he would remove them.

Killua and Kurapika stared at each other, at Gon, back at each other and then burst into laughter.

"Just kidding, Gon, just kidding!" Killua said. He looked at the boy in front of him. Sure, they got six years older since the Exam, but he was still as simpleminded as when he first met him.

"I know," he answered, "but shouldn't we be going by now? I mean, we're already late –"

Everyone glared at Leorio, who didn't seem to get what they were meaning by that, then they all set off as fast as they could. They had a train to catch.

--

"Look, look, it's so daaark outsiiide!" Gon gasped as he looked through the window.

"Ssshhht, the others are asleep," Killua hissed at him. They were still on the train on their way to the south of the country and since it'd be a long journey they had chosen a train with sleep compartments. Of course they claimed the two upper beds as soon as they entered and now Gon and Killua were softly whispering, both on the other side of the compartment, their heads close to the window at the end of their beds so they could look outside, at the environment passing by.

"Oh, yeah, right. Sorry everyone!"

This resulted in a smack to the head from his friend, who had thrown his pillow at him. "Idiot, they're asleep, they can't hear your excuses and if you continue like this it won't take long till they wake up!"

"Aaah…" Gon seemed to get it. "You're right, Killua. But look! Where do you think we're now?"

"Hm, let's see… We're underway for quite a long time now, so…"

After a while Gon finally fell asleep. Killua was about to drift off too, but then noticed Gon still had his pillow. Sighing he tried to reach for it, but the other bed was just a few inches too far away. He stretched his hand a little further, making sure he wouldn't fall out of the bed. Almost, he could almost touch it…

It was no use. He would actually have to get up and walk to the other bed. Discouraged he hung over the edge of his own, looking down at the ground. He hated cold feet.

His glance fell upon Kurapika's sleeping face. A smirk appeared on his features. Kurapika wouldn't notice if his pillow would disappear while he was asleep, right?

Silent as the night he reached for the soft subject, when something warm suddenly grabbed his wrist.

"Get your own."

"Eh?" Killua replied astonished. "You –?"

"Yes, I was awake, and I repeat, go get your own pillow. This one's mine," Kurapika sniped.

Killua noticed the unusual harsh tone of his voice. He had the feeling there was something wrong with him. The fingers holding his hand where clenched tight and when he dared to take a look into the bed beneath him he saw a gleam of crimson red.

"Kurapika?"

No answer.

* * *

_Will you be there  
As I grow cold  
Will you be there when I'm falling down  
Will you be there _

**Skillet - Will you be there**


	3. Chapter 2: Pain

_Let me apologize to begin with  
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say  
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed  
And somehow I got caught up in between_

**Linkin Park - In between**_  
_

* * *

He climbed out of his bed and shivered when his bare feet touched the cold, plastic floor. It was winter and they had the last and worst compartment since they were late, so it was freezing outside of his bed.

"Kurapika."

He kneeled down in front of the young man, who was still holding his wrist. It was the only source of warmth Killua had, so he didn't really mind. He stared at him, waiting for any sign, but he didn't move. His open eyes stared at the bottom of Killua's bed, still coloured scarlet.

Suddenly his own black irises met the flame red ones. They were almost on fire, they were burning, they were piercing into his soul… and igniting it. Killua's face showed no emotions, but the cold suddenly disappeared. He wondered why. It was a strange feeling, but not unpleasant. It was comparable to the friendship he felt for Gon, only different. But he didn't care about that. It had always been like this when Kurapika touched him. It felt like some special kind of bond. He liked Kurapika, so he didn't think it was weird to feel like this. But now he wanted to know what was wrong with his friend.

"Kurapika, it's me. Killua. Please tell me what's going on. I want to help you." He noticed the shining of something wet dripping across his pale face. He was feeling powerless. Should he wake the others?

He stood up and was about to turn around, but was stopped halfway. He turned back and looked at him. Kurapika was no longer on his back but sat upright, still holding his wrist, preventing him from leaving, his eyes still the colour of blood.

"Killua… The Spiders…"

He blinked. The Spiders. Were they the reason Kurapika was acting so strange? But hadn't he gave up his revenge? When they were together he would never speak of them, never act lonely or enraged. So why…He waited for him to continue, but it looked like he couldn't find words to speak.

"Kurapika, let it go."

The blonde man slowly shook his head, releasing his wrist. "They haunt my dreams, Killua. I can't sleep without waking up every night, feeling like I've always felt. Angry, vicious, vindictive. Hungry for revenge."

Killua kneeled down again. "Kurapika… why didn't we know?"

"I don't want you to worry about me. My heart's filled with hate. I don't deserve friends like you. I can't return your feelings." He closed his eyes. His voice was cold, without the kindness he usually spoke with. Killua recognized it's tone. He realized something… something he thought was impossible.

"I know how you feel."

A soft, dark chuckle. "You don't."

The white haired boy crossed his arms and leaned onto the edge of Kurapika's bed, staring at his face.

"Look at me."

No response.

With quivering hands he suddenly grabbed his shoulders, causing the man to flinch and open his eyes. "Look at me. Do you really think I don't?"

Kurapika tried to evade the black irises, but he couldn't move. The eyes piercing his soul showed sorrow, grief, and… something dark… was it the craving to kill? If so… could he be right? Was it possible there was someone who felt the same pain as he did?

The boy let go of his shoulders, closing his eyes.

Kurapika's irises regained their original turquoise colour as he stared at the man who stood next to his bed, trembling, his fists clenched tight.

"Killua… I'm sorry."

Peace had taken over his mind again. Right now he was the Kurapika they knew. The man who would give everything he had to protect his friends. He wished the Spiders would disappear from his mind forever, but he knew they never would. He would carry this burden forever. But he had to be strong. For the sake of his comrades.

"It's alright." A cold hand covered his own warm. "Kurapika… I just wish I knew. I could've helped you. You don't have to undergo all this pain alone."

"As said, I don't want you guys to worry about me," he mumbled. He couldn't look into the boy's eyes.

Silence.

"Do you… regret telling me?"

Killua's voice was so soft, so cautious, that Kurapika could do nothing but shake his head. "Surprisingly… I don't. I've got some feeling… you know my pain..."

After that he closed his eyes, letting sleep take over his body. He knew he would sleep peacefully. Because there was someone who knew of his pain. Someone who held his hand. Someone who… maybe… just maybe… could feel the same as him…

Killua watched him. Quietly he wiped the tear that had crossed his cheek earlier away, not knowing it was the last thing Kurapika noticed before he fell asleep.

* * *

_Please look  
And notice me  
Just to release my pain  
Just to know your name _

**Skillet - Come my way**

* * *

Alright, does this give you some idea of the story? I hope you liked it! And about updates: I'll try to update every Saturday and the way it's going now I should be able to do that. Next chapters are gonna be longer! Chapter 3 will be online next Satuday.


	4. Chapter 3: Thoughts

_No, no turning back now  
I wanna be pushed aside so let me go  
No, no turning back now  
Let me take back my life, I'd rather be all alone_

**Linkin Park - Lying from you**

(Sidenote: This chapter is longer than the previous ones! And I apologize if Gon's being a bit OOC, but I couldn't let him go with Kurapika... it would ruin the moment! -Laughs-)_  
_

* * *

"Where's Killua?"

Leorio, Gon and Kurapika stood in front of their hotel, waiting for their friend. The two elder men looked at Gon, who stared at the ground.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean, 'I don't know'?" Leorio yelled. "He should've been here ten minutes ago!"

"Like you're one to talk," Kurapika said. "Anyway, wasn't he with you, Gon?"

"Something like that…" He sounded very uncomfortable. "But can't we just go inside? Killua's eighteen, I'm sure he'll be fine on his own. He knows where we'll be staying. He'll arrive soon."

Leorio groaned. "Fine with me."

They had finally arrived at their destination. For their new mission they would stay in this town for a few weeks, so they had booked a hotel in advance. But since this would be their last day off they had decided to spend the rest of it as they liked and meet up at the hotel again. Of course Gon and Killua took off together, however… where did he go?

"Gon, did something happen?" Kurapika asked as soon as Leorio went inside.

"Something's terribly wrong with Killua," Gon whispered, more to himself than to his friend. "I don't know what's going on with him..."

Just for a moment a gleam of red was visible, but it was gone before he noticed it. Kurapika grabbed the frightened boy's shoulders. "Gon, please tell me..."

He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again and finally found some words to speak. Faltering he tried to explain what had happened.

"You see… we were walking down the street when we heard some old woman scream… A few seconds later we walked into a rough looking guy holding a lady's bag. We realized he was a thief and we tried to stop him, but…" He paused for a moment. "Then Killua suddenly… snapped. You know, like with Bodoro in the Exam. He just… he just struck and killed him without even blinking. But it wasn't… it wasn't even necessary to do such thing… He could've just knocked him out."

He blinked a few times. "And then he… then he smirked," he whispered. "Kurapika, you won't believe how scary it was. You know I don't get afraid easily, but… to see your friend turn into a heartless killer and just take someone's live like that… I still can't believe it. I thought he changed..."

No answer.

"Kurapika...?"

"I'll go look for him. You stay with Leorio." He sounded hoarse. Thousands of thoughts went through his mind.

"No, I'm coming with you!"

"You're not. If you interfere… there's a chance you'll get killed."

A tear escaped the boy's eye. "I know that. But… still…"

"I promise I'll bring him back," Kurapika said. He turned around so the boy couldn't see his red eyes, sparkling with resolution, although there was also a hint of fear in them. "Please believe in me."

It was clear he wouldn't tolerate any disobeying. Gon nodded, though it couldn't be seen by the blonde haired boy. He knew he had no choice. Then he went back into the hotel, hearing Kurapika's footsteps disappear. He wished for a safe return… for both of them.

--

He found him in the public garden, a few miles away from the hotel. His chain had directed him to a large tree. There, hidden between the green leaves, sat a white haired boy, not aware of the man beneath him, disguised within the shadows.

"Still… what if…" It looked like Killua was lost in his thoughts.

Kurapika didn't get a chance to figure out what he was talking about. Concealing his presence through In he was trying to understand his vague statements, when at once the presence in the tree vanished. He looked up to see nothing but green, then a voice sounded from behind his back. A cold, threatening voice.

"Kurapika."

He turned around, facing the young man in front of him. "Killua..."

"Why'd you come here?" Through his dangerous voice was a slight tone of amusement perceptible.

Kurapika noticed his sharp fingernails, still stained with blood. Killua caught him looking. "Oh, I see. Gon told you about that. Well, let _me _tell you something now." He tilted his head to the side. "I… must say I enjoyed it."

Kurapika's red eyes widened as the words reached his ears. He knew they were the truth. The way Killua was acting, the way he was looking at him… this was the voice of an assassin, the face of a killer.

Killua grinned. He felt his true nature was about to show and he had to restrain himself. He tried to suppress the malicious feeling that had entered his mind. No, he wouldn't kill Kurapika… yet.

But why couldn't the other side of him just leave him alone?! There was something inside his head trying to get him back to his usual, calm self, that friendship-like feeling he felt when he was with Kurapika… It frustrated him, the cold assassin wasn't supposed to have any bonds, it wasn't possible people could like him. It was all thanks to his soft side, who got himself surrounded by so-called friends… The murderer hidden inside his body grinded his teeth in frustration. He knew _he_ was the true Killua, that he wasn't a normal person. Why wouldn't the other one just listen to him? Why did he keep thinking he could be a regular man, living a common life, together with ordinary comrades? He just didn't get it… he was a murderer, an assassin by birth for god's sake!

"No… I'm not…"

The last time he'd experienced something like this was that one time on the airship. Someone interrupted him when he was dealing with some inner problems, so he killed him.

He didn't realize he was doing the same thing now. Kurapika listened carefully as the boy again muttered a few words, staring at the sky.

"Why… is all this happening to me?"

* * *

_I can't escape this hell  
So many times I've tried  
But I'm still caged inside  
Somebody get me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself_

**Three Days Grace - Animal I have become**

* * *

I know, I know! The 'moment' wasn't what you all expected, right? Just like I told you, I don't like to rush a story, haha. Wow, Killua's kinda schizophrenic... it got to me as I was progressing my Killua AMV.

Alright. What'll happen next chapter? Killua going out of his mind again? Will he end up killing Kurapika, or will other things happen? Things you're all waiting for? I know it and you don't! Behold the mighty power of an author! Mwahaha. Just read to find out!


	5. Chapter 4: Mind

_Forgetting all the hurt inside  
You've learned to hide so well  
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself  
I can't be who you are_

**Linkin Park - Leave out all the rest**

* * *

Two warm hands on his shoulders shockingly brought him back to reality. A low growl escaped his throat as he glared at the man in front of him. He had guts… and he would regret it for sure.

"Killua, listen to me. You're not alone. I know what you're going through."

"You don't," he said. "Now let go of me… _now._"

Kurapika got a little frightened seeing the hollow emptiness inside his eyes, but his voice didn't waver when he said: "I won't. I'm not afraid of you."

A foul smirk. "You are. I feel it. I smell it. You're terrified." He paused for a moment. "Everyone is. I'm a killer, Kurapika. You can't change that. No one can."

He tried to ignore the warmth spreading through his body. Why was that man causing him to suffer so much? Why couldn't Kurapika just stay out of this? He really had no choice but to kill him... He raised his hand, his nails resting against Kurapika's chest. His face wore a maniacal expression.

"Anything to say... before you die?" His eyes glistened evilly, his sharp fingernails had already located his heart. He felt it's beating. It was...

_Wonderfully calm._

It confused him. What the hell was going on? Wasn't he afraid of dying? But something like that was impossible! No living creature would calmly face death just like that...

"Why don't you fear me?" he growled.

"Because you won't kill me." Kurapika's voice was soft and gentle. He spoke with all certainty he had.

He saw it all happening, but couldn't do anything to stop it. Looking through his own eyes he saw his convinced comrade, yet also his own sharp fingernails that were ready to kill. He was powerless, trapped in his own body. Was he going to witness himself murder his companion?

_I won't kill you, Kurapika... I wouldn't forgive myself if anything happened to my friends..._

His thoughts were interrupted by an ominous, familiar voice inside of his mind.

_"Friends? What friends? I don't have any friends. Tell me why I shouldn't I kill him right now, huh."_

_"Because I care about him!"_

_"Idiot, that's impossible. I don't care about him. Why should I care about someone when no one cares about me?"_

_"You're wrong! I've got friends who care about me!"_

_"No, I don't have any friends."_

_"I do!"_

Kurapika felt the strong murderous intention Killua was emitting waver a bit. His face still wore the same, insane expression, but there was something shimmering through his eyes… did he just catch a gleam of the Killua he knew?

Even the assassin was surprised by the amount of strength that suddenly appeared, something which had never occurred before. His other side was trying to get rid of him and even succeeding in doing so… How was it possible he was being forced to surrender?! He tried to withstand it, but the human Killua was furious. The killer felt he was being compelled to take his leave. He darkly smirked.

_"That's a lot of hate you're emitting... you sure you're the real one? I don't think we're very different... because I am you. Remember that... Zaoldyeck..."_

With that he was pushed back into the dark depths of his own subconsciousness.

Kurapika blinked. The boy was trembling, shaking, shivering. His grip tightened around his shoulders. If he only could do something to help him…

Suddenly his eyes snapped open. He looked at the blonde man holding him firmly. A tear escaped his eye while he gazed into his turquoise irises. "Kurapika… I…"

"It's alright," Kurapika whispered. "Believe me, Kill. I know your pain…"

That was it. He couldn't take it anymore. He was tired of everything. His body collapsed, but two hands prevented him from falling and gently laid him down. Their delicious warmth defrosted his icy body. It was so reassuring, so comfortable…

Then it all became black.

Kurapika watched the boy in front of him as he stood there. The same feeling made it's way to his chained heart. It was strange. One of his best friends turned out to be just like him, and somehow it seemed to release the tight chain a bit…

--

When he woke up he noticed the warmth had disappeared. Slowly opening his eyes he saw the blonde man next to him, sitting against the tree he was also leaning against. He stared at the sky, his hands folded in his lap.

Still half asleep he lowered his head, which came to rest against Kurapika's warm shoulder. As a child he had never experienced warmth or love. He never had someone who cared about him. With Gon he had found a friend, a comrade, but this was different… he felt like he needed to be with Kurapika. Like he couldn't live without him.

It startled him. He knew Killua was awake, since his breathing had become a bit quicker and not as deep as it had been before. But somehow it felt right to have the boy so close to him, so he decided to leave him be, acting like he didn't know.

Suddenly he heard his cell phone ring. He looked at the screen. Gon. "Hello Gon, Kurapika here. Sorry to keep you waiting, I've got Killua here with me… Yes, he's alive, there're no victims. We'll be returning soon. I'll see you. Bye." He looked aside, the pressure on his left shoulder had disappeared. "Ah, you woke up?" Kurapika said, pretending like he only noticed just now.

Killua nodded slowly. He couldn't look at him. He remembered the events that had occurred before he passed out. He had felt like killing him… his friend…

"Killua?"

He didn't answer.

"If there's something you want to talk about, tell me." Kurapika stood up, offering him his hand. He took it.

"Kurapika, I… would understand if you don't want to know me anymore," he whispered, still refusing to make eye contact.

"And why would that be?" Kurapika smiled. Killua glanced at him, but immediately looked away again. That smile was so sincere, so warming, yet it also seemed to hold some… fear? It was like a dagger in his empty heart.

"Don't pretend like you don't know. Your eyes reveal everything. I can see you're frightened."

Kurapika blinked, not opposing his accusation. "You haven't answered my question. Why would I not want to know you anymore?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, it does."

"Well, what about I'm a demonic killing machine?"

They stared at each other for a while.

"I'm your friend, Killua. You know my pain. I know yours. I'll always be there for you whenever you need me." Kurapika finally broke the silence.

He looked into his black eyes. Far away in their dark depths was a trace of emotions visible. Emotions he was trying to hide. Emotions he was trying to keep away from the surface. He couldn't tell what the man was thinking, but Killua sure did know how to remain his cool composure. He'd always been like this, never showing his true feelings. Even to Gon, his closest friend.

The chain around his heart tightened a bit, causing him to blink again. He wondered why, but quickly concluded it wasn't really strange to feel a feeling similar to jealousy. It was only natural he would need someone to share his feelings with. And that person had to be Killua, since he knew the same pain and grief as he has gone through. Only he could really be there for him. Not Gon, not Leorio. They could try their best but he knew they would never completely get to know him. Not like Killua could. He knew about the eternal darkness in his heart, darkness that couldn't disappear. He knew he could never change his destiny. And he knew he could never change his true self.

Because he was the same as him.

* * *

_I cannot be silent, I'm crying out  
My soul is cold, my heart is numb  
I break from my old self and step into you  
You complete what was never enough _

**Skillet - Your love (keeps me alive)**

* * *

Ah, I'm so sorry for keeping you all waiting! You see, school has started again so I've been busy the last week and today I got a bit ill, so I didn't have much time to improve this chapter. But I really wanted to keep my promise so here I am, although Saturday has almost ended... Hehe. To make it up to you I've made this chapter a bit longer than the previous ones.

I don't know when chapter 5 will be online. It could be next Saturday, but it could also take a few days longer. I'll try to finish it as soon as possible. Will the killing incident be forgotten? Or ain't it over yet? And will they finally discover their true feelings for each other? Please look forward to it!


	6. Chapter 5: Fear

Ah, I'm so sorry I didn't upload until the very last moment! You see, I was busy playing 'The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess' and I just kind of... forgot it. Please forgive me!

* * *

_Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin  
I make the right moves but I'm lost within  
I put on my daily facade but then  
I just end up getting hurt again by myself_

**Linkin Park - By myself**

* * *

It was night again. Killua listened to the rustling sounds Gon produced as he turned in his sleep. He hadn't told him about what had happened between Kurapika and him and he wasn't planning on doing so. Maybe even Gon wouldn't want to know him anymore when he knew he had wanted to kill one of his friends. And if even Gon let him down… who would be left?

"I'll always be there for you whenever you need me."

Kurapika's words echoed in his head. Killua smiled softly. His words sounded so true. If Kurapika would be there for him, he knew he would never give up. He had the feeling he needed someone like him. Someone who could understand him. Gon couldn't. Gon was a close friend of his, but he would deny the fact he was a killer. Kurapika didn't. Kurapika knew who he was. What he was.

"I can see you're frightened."

Kurapika blinked, not opposing his accusation.

He immediately sat upright, a hollow feeling filling his stomach. "No…" he muttered. It couldn't be true… But he was right there when it happened, he'd seen the eyes of a man who was afraid of something. Was he afraid of him? Could it be… that everything Kurapika told him was a lie? _Everything_?

He tried to remember his eyes when he said he would be there for him, yet couldn't seem to figure it out. Kurapika'd been staring at him with those warm, honest eyes, but behind them he had surely noticed that fear. He couldn't be mistaken, he'd seen it so many times before when he carried out his jobs as an assassin. Men who tried to fight back, women who cried for their lives before he killed them. He would never forget the way they looked at him before he finished their lives. They were terrified.

It hit him. Of course. The only way to keep him under control was to tell him what he wanted to hear… To pretend like he was someone who cared about him… How could he have missed that sign of fear? He should've known… he should've known there was no one who would ever truly care about him. No one who could possibly tame the restless demon inside him. Kurapika had just wanted to survive, nothing else. It wasn't a matter of friendship, of bonds…

A cold feeling made it's way to his heart, returning it to his usual icy state, but this time a small corner didn't get frozen. A little flame tingled in his chest, reminding him of something else.

"I've got some feeling… you know my pain…"

It was true that Kurapika had experienced the same kind of suffering as him, but… still…

He shook his head. He mustn't jump to quick conclusions. Within a few seconds some of humankind's most important emotions had clashed inside his heart. Hate, trust, pride, fear, doubt… He didn't know what Kurapika meant when he didn't deny the fact that he was scared of something. _Maybe it had nothing to do with him_, he told himself. But then again… what could it be?

He stared through the open curtains into the black night. The only way to know… was to ask.

--

A cold hand on his own awoke him from his dreams. Opening one eye he glared at the one who was responsible for it. He was surprised to see it was Killua. He hadn't noticed the assassin entering his room.

"Killua, why're you here?" he said, still half asleep.

"I need to ask you something."

"But it's far past midnight, Kill. What's so urgent it can't wait till tomorrow?"

Killua shifted uncomfortably. He suddenly lost his courage, scared to ask what was haunting his mind. What if Kurapika really was afraid of _him_?

"Well… No, you're right, I think it can wait," he said. "I'll see you tomorrow." He wanted to get up and leave as quickly as possible, but was prevented from doing so.

Kurapika's warm fingers wrapped around his hand, which was still laying on top of his. "Killua, stop. If you came to see me at this hour, it must be important. Please tell me. Don't be scared."

Two empty eyes gazed into his, a slight smirk appearing on his features. "You're telling me not to be scared?"

"Killua, what –"

A cold finger was placed against his lips. Kurapika noticed the unusual length of his fingernails. He blinked. What went on in the boy's mind? He sensed danger… danger the man in front of him was emitting. Danger which was barely noticeable in his dark eyes, danger which was hardly tangible in his chilly voice… but it was definitely there.

"It's alright, Kurapika." He sounded calm, but the blonde man knew he was furious. "You're right to be scared of me. I just don't understand why I didn't notice it before."

Kurapika was astonished. Was this what Killua wanted to talk about?

"Kill," he said, gently grabbing his blade-like fingers with his free hand and placing them on the sheets, "is that what this is all about? Do you think I'm afraid of you?" He knew he had to act still, the white haired boy would go on a rampage if he tried to oppose him.

He slowly came upright until he was eye to eye with Killua, who was kneeled down on the ground. Both of Kurapika's hands held a firm grip on his, pinning them to the bed. He stared into his black eyes, trying to hide the emotions that flashed through his mind. He knew Killua was referring to their last conversation. It was true he didn't deny the fact he was scared back then, but…

"Kill, do you want to know what I'm afraid of?"

His expression didn't change, but he tilted his head a bit to the side as he stared at him, silently forcing him to continue.

"I'm afraid of…" his grip on Killua's hands tightened, "losing you…"

He closed his eyes, not wanting to look at his shocked face. However, they flew open again as warm breath touched his ear.

"Why?"

Killua backed off a little so he could face him again. He stared in his turquoise eyes, looking for something... He didn't know what though. Was Kurapika telling the truth? He hadn't expected this answer and it didn't sound logical at all. Why would he need him?

Kurapika was trying to understand the emotions that started burning in his chest. He was hesitating. Looking at him, he felt something he'd never noticed before. What if… he really needed him, but not only in the way he thought he did? At least it explained why he was dreaming of him, why he felt like something was missing when Killua wasn't with him. It all made sense.

"Answer me." His hand twitched as he glared at the blonde man in front of him. "Why would someone like _you _need someone like _me_?"

Kurapika didn't know what to say. "I…"

Killua leaned in, so their faces were only inches apart. "See, you're a liar," he sneered.

"That's not it," Kurapika replied, still collected as ever. "You caught me off guard with your question. Allow me to think about it carefully before explaining, because you won't understand otherwise. I don't even get if myself. It's kind of… a difficult situation."

He waited for a response, which didn't came. Killua just stared at him. He took that as an approval to continue.

"Kill, please believe me if I say I need you. I need you more than anything else."

He saw the bewildered look that appeared in his eyes, along with some other emotions. Was his mask breaking?

* * *

_I am lost in the see-through  
Think you lost yourself too  
Throughout all of this confusion  
I hope I somehow get to you_

**Good Charlotte - Change**

* * *

Alright, I discovered some amazing new band called Good Charlotte and I _love _their music. And to people who like AMV's, search for 'Killua AMV Skillet' on YouTube, it should be right there. Just Killua though.

Wah, I can't wait till next Friday! I'll be going to the Abunai then, an anime convention in my country, cosplaying as Killua along with all my friends for three days. This'll probably mean I won't get the chance to update Saturday, but maybe I'll be kind enough to upload it on Friday. ;

And something I've been wondering: why does this story get so many regular hits, but do I only have a few people reviewing? Please let me know what you think of it, I can't improve my writing otherwise!

If you like more fluffy, cute KiruKura stories, check out my other fanfic "Something between you and me". :


	7. Chapter 6: Ice

I'm sorry I didn't update last week. I just didn't have the time. The same goes for this week, but since I promised to update today I had to do it. So this chapter isn't as long as usual and I also think it sucks, so one day I'm rewriting it.

* * *

_Take a look around, don't you see it?  
See that you are the only real face in the room  
No one here has a clue what you're feeling  
Don't feel bad, keep your sadness alive_

**Good Charlotte - Misery**

* * *

"Kurapika…" His voice sounded broken. The fragile sound shattered his heart, but the pieces were kept together by the chain surrounding it. It hurt. It hurt so much to see the boy in front of him in so much pain. If he could only break through the walls around his heart, so he could rescue him from himself…

"Why would you need me?"

Kurapika shook his head. "I don't know, Kill. I just don't know. I thought it was because I need someone to share my pain with, but…"

Killua looked at him. His sincere, sparkling turquoise eyes were determined, yet also indecisive about something. They were shining, he thought. They seemed to light up as they stared back at him. Or was that his imagination? In any case, just looking at them, he felt that the raging storm inside his head was slowly subsiding. His mind was becoming peaceful again. He still didn't know why it felt so right to be so close next to him, but that could wait. Right now the important thing was that Kurapika needed him.

"Kurapika?" he asked, looking at the ceiling.

"Hm?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"That's not what I meant…"

Kurapika laughed. "Then what is it?"

"I've been thinking about this… why're your hands so warm?"

He suddenly became aware of his hands still laying on top of Killua's. He quickly removed them, feeling a slight blush creeping up his face. At least it was too dark for Killua to perceive it, he thanked silently.

"It's okay, I don't mind," Killua grinned. "You noticed, right? Mine are just cold. Like ice." He grimaced. "Typically."

Kurapika laughed. He knew everything was alright now. It didn't seem like Killua would want to kill him anymore. The only problem he would still need to deal with, were the strange feelings inside his chest. He had never really fallen in love before, but his feelings for Killua far surpassed his feelings for Gon and Leorio. He felt like he cared more about him, like he would die if he'd ever lose him…

"Kurapika?"

"Eh?" He got pulled back into reality.

"Something the matter with you? You were lost in thoughts again," Killua asked. "Not to mention your face is still a bit red from before."

His eyes widened and he backed off. "Eh? You noticed?" he replied, shocked.

Killua rolled his eyes. "Well, duh. Being an assassin and stuff I can see very well at night. So," he continued, "why's that?"

"It doesn't mean a thing," Kurapika muttered. "It's just kinda warm around here."

"Really?" Killua seemed to think about it. "Hm… while it's freezing outside?" he snickered.

"How about I'm still kinda intimidated by your attempt of murdering me?" he retorted. "That wasn't very nice of you, you know."

Killua became silent. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

Kurapika smiled at him. "It's alright, Kill. It's alright. I shouldn't have brought that back up–"

Two strong arms suddenly pulled him into his bare chest. "Kurapika," he muttered, "don't ever leave me… I don't want to be all alone. I never want to return to that pit of darkness again."

Kurapika was too shocked to speak. His mind was wandering somewhere between heaven and earth because of this sudden event. But as soon as he regained his full consciousness, he rest his head against his shoulder.

"I won't leave you, Killua. You're my friend, my comrade. I…" Love you. He wanted to say it, he really wanted to… but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. He knew he couldn't deny it anymore. These feelings, these desires… It was love. But he couldn't let Killua know it.

"I care about you," he finished his sentence.

Killua let go of him, wiping something out of his eye. He chuckled shyly, something Kurapika had never seen him do before. "Sorry."

"Don't mention it."

Silence filled the room. Killua felt awkward. He didn't know what to do. He had just acted without thinking and even though Kurapika didn't seem to mind what had just happened, he didn't know what to say next.

"Will you stay here until I fall asleep?"

His soft, serene voice reached his ears. Killua looked at him.

"Did you dream of the Spiders again?"

"No, I just want you to be near me."

He nodded. "Sure."

Kurapika smiled at him before he placed his head back on his pillow. "Thank you."

"No problem."

As the man closed his eyes he blankly stared at him. Behind his dark irises he was unsure of the feeling that had been slumbering inside of him. Sometimes it would make it's way to the surface, but recently it felt like it was showing more and more. But what could it be? He liked Gon too, even Leorio, but around them he never craved for their attention, their touch, their warmth.

His finger silently removed a strand of golden hair out of his face. His beautiful face.

"_What the hell are you thinking?"_

It was one of the first times he actually agreed with his demon side. Confused by his own thoughts he stared at the man in front of him. He already seemed to be asleep.

"_Are you really thinking you might be in love with him?"_ the dark Killua sneered.

"You stay out of this."

His hand trailed of to his and gently caressed it. However, the warmth didn't sooth his rebellious mind.

"_I'm not in love with him."_

"_You really think so?"_

"Killua, are you here?" A sleepy voice interrupted his dispute.

He froze, becoming aware of Gon's vague silhouette in the doorway.

"Is that you, Killua?" The person entered the room, approaching him. "Killua?"

_"Seems like you've been discovered,"_ the voice in his head said, clearly enjoying himself.

He panicked. What should he do? It seemed like Gon already perceived him and the only way out was the door to the hallway.

_"How're you gonna explain this?" _the killer chuckled. _"Come on, think of a good excuse for sneaking to your friend's bedroom. An ex-assassin couldn't possibly mean anything by it, right? It's not like you wanted to kill them or something like that…"_

Distracted by his own mind he didn't notice Gon walking up to him. A hand on his shoulder brought him back to the damned situation he was in.

"Killua, what're you doing here?"

* * *

_Don't put your life in someone's hands  
They're bound to steal it away  
Don't hide your mistakes  
'Cause they'll find you, burn you_

**Three Days Grace - Get out alive**

* * *

Yeah, I know, it was very bad, but I warned you didn't I? Next chapter will take a couple of weeks to write. Damn school.


	8. Chapter 7: Snow

Guess what, I'm updating! I wanted to post this for all of you who are waiting for a new chapter and as I was writing I couldn't stop myself until I had a good point to end this chapter... which resulted in the longest chapter so far! I hope you enjoy this one, I'm very sorry for keeping you all waiting like that.

* * *

_I watched the world float  
To the dark side of the moon  
After all I knew it had to be  
Something to do with you_

**3 Doors Down - Kryptonite**

* * *

"_Come on, tell him. Tell him you're in love with his friend."_

"_No!"_

An incredible rage filled his his body. He almost became afraid of the power that was flowing through his veins, not able to control it. It was the anger of the assassin, about to explode.

"You shut up."

Gon sensed the danger in his voice.

Too busy fighting his own conscience, he didn't pay much attention to the aura that was leaking out of his body. Even without using Gyo Gon swore he could see the black, wicked strands of aura extend from his pale skin, crackling with broiling blue sparks of electricity. His human instincts were telling him to run, but he was determined to stay. He had sworn he would never run away from a fight – but was that what was awaiting him? A fight? With his best friend? He swallowed, a simple task that suddenly seemed very difficult to perform.

"Killua, calm down." He squeezed his shoulder a little. The motion made Killua jolt and before he knew it, the sparks entered his system and paralyzed him with their commanding power.

Killua's empty eyes stared at the man in front of him as he slowly grabbed hold of his wrist, forcing his hand to release his shoulder. He stopped the flow of electricity through his body and suppressed his aura gently so that he couldn't hurt him again.

Gon was shocked, and it hadn't completely to do with the electricity. What the hell was going on? Why was Killua acting so weird, even attacking him like that? He pondered, there should be a good reason for all this… Although he still didn't know why the boy was here in the first place.

Killua's gaze averted to the window next to him. His mirror image stared at him, slowly shaking his head.

_"I've had enough of this nonsense…"_

"Don't kill him." He suddenly spoke, his voice hoarse and low. "If you kill him… I'll kill myself and take you with me." He didn't realize he was talking out loud again, like that time on the zeppelin.

A mocking laugh. _"You won't. You're too afraid to do that. You used to be afraid of opponents stronger than yourself and now you _want_ to be killed? Aside from the fact you care about your so-called 'friends' of course… What happened to your desire to kill, anyway?"_

"I've changed."

"_If you say so… you've become weaker, Killua. Don't you feel it? Don't you feel your power slipping away? You're not in control anymore. You lay your life in the hands of others and you don't know that they will never give it back. You've become their puppet, they can make you do everything they want." _Dark eyes shined convincingly. _"Don't you want to create your own life?"_

Gon couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't just stand by and do nothing. He had to help his friend, help him to get back to reality. He didn't want Killua to think about his old life, about his family and his routine of killing. But he didn't know what to do. Sure, Killua had sometimes felt awful about what he'd done, but he never seriously gave in to those thoughts… what had changed? What had made him go back to those dark times?

His eyes wandered off to the sleeping man in the bed. There was definitely something going on… Killua wasn't the only one acting strange nowadays. Kurapika, too, was a bit absentminded and distracted sometimes.

"It's Kurapika, isn't it."

Killua inwardly flinched. He slowly turned around, facing Gon. He stared down at him. "What makes you think that?" His voice was icy and compelling, he made sure it didn't show any emotions.

"You're both acting weird," Gon answered. "Tell me why, Killua. I want to help you."

"You can't help me. There's nothing wrong with me."

Gon blinked. "So you attacked me on purpose me just then?"

"No! I didn't… what?" Killua brought a hand to his forehead, confused. "No, that was… I just lost control. That's all."

"You don't just 'lose control', Killua. You're one of the strongest persons I know, if not the strongest!"

"There's someone stronger than me, Gon."

"No, there isn't! You've even managed to surpass your own family, Killua! You're stronger than your dad, stronger than your grandpa… You might even beat Illumi if you'd take him head on!"

"Illumi isn't that strong. I'm talking about someone far more hazardous."

Gon thought about everyone he knew. Most of his friends weren't that strong or particularly dangerous. In fact, the only one close to him he knew wouldn't mind killing someone was Killua himself… well, at least the former Killua.

"Maybe… Hisoka?"

Killua shook his head. "No, Gon. You're completely wrong. You've truly got no idea who I mean, do you?"

"I already told you I don't. Just tell me."

Then everything went incredibly fast. There was a blinding flash, the sound of something breaking, the pain of something cutting his skin. The last thing he saw were two black irises, fading away in the white light that filled the dark room. A cold whisper caressed his ear just before he passed out.

"_It's me." _

_---  
_

He couldn't open his eyes. He was paralyzed, petrified with fear and incomprehension and powerlessness and a lot of other things he didn't even knew they existed. He just lay there, staggered, only vaguely remembering what had happened.

He felt a warm hand at his neck. _Killua… _No, that couldn't be right, Killua didn't feel like this… who was this person? Where was he?

"He's alive, but we'll have to do something about the bleeding."

"Let me take care of it, I'm the doctor here."

"No, it'll be much quicker this way."

_He knew these voices._

He slowly lifted his eyelids and took in his surroundings. In his vision appeared two blurred faces, which he slightly recognized.

"He's awake! Gon, how do you feel?"

"Leorio… where…"

"Everything's alright, we're in our hotel room. Sit down! If you move you'll make the bleeding worse."

_Bleeding?_ Gon put his hand to his cheek. He felt something warm and liquid. Yeah, he was bleeding alright. But what the hell had happened?

Something lit up in the darkness. Gon swallowed, he hadn't seen these red eyes in a while and they still weren't very reassuring. Then, out of nothing, a shining chain appeared, wrapping itself around his ravaged body. However, the cold links didn't touch his skin or the fragments of glass that were stuck in his body.

He felt a warm aura flow through the murder weapon. It trickled in the numerous cuts in his arms, upper body and face, sealing them and removing the curdled blood. Finally they faded away.

"Holy Chain," Kurapika muttered. He closed his eyes and the chain disappeared. When he reopened them the blood red colour was also gone.

"Now Gon, tell us what happened," Leorio demanded. "I mean, one moment I'm peacefully asleep, dreaming of… well, what guys my age dream of, and the next there's this huge flash and you're in our room almost bleeding to death!"

Gon didn't answer. He didn't even know it himself. He stood up and walked over to the window.

"Is it Killua?"

Gon didn't turn around. Kurapika's voice disclosed him. He knew what had happened.

"You tell me, Kurapika."

"I don't know what exactly occured, but…" He hesitated. How much could he tell Gon without betraying Killua? He earned his trust and wasn't planning on giving him up… And it wasn't like Gon would understand anyway. "I think you remember yesterday."

Gon nodded silently.

"Killua's been a bit… unstable lately," Kurapika proceeded.

"And you know why, don't you." He looked over his shoulder at his blonde friend. "You know why."

"I don't know why." Kurapika shook his head. He hated to have to lie against his comrade, but he had no choice. And what good would admitting his love for Killua do for both of them?

Gon didn't know it anymore. It didn't sound like Kurapika was telling him the truth. He knew Kurapika was hiding something, but since he also knew Kurapika was one to stick to secrets he didn't even try to drag it out of him.

A snowflake whirled down through the broken window Killua had destroyed on his way out. The frozen water melted on his cheek, blending with the salt tear dripping down his face. It was cold. Just like him.

* * *

_Can you feel the cold tonight?  
It sets in but it's alright  
Darkness falls I'm letting go  
All alone but I feel fine _

**Good Charlotte - The Day That I Die**_  
_

* * *

Next chapter will be up somewhere before 2010.


	9. Chapter 8: Murder

Wow, it sure has been a long time... but I'm back! My little brother is watching Hunter x Hunter now and it once again came to me how much I still love it. I can't wait to receive volume 27! I also got a review on this story about a month ago that made me think of continuing this story and combined with other factors such as reading a newly started Killua/Kurapika story on this site I wrote this short piece today. I guarantee more will follow, but I have no idea when that'll be since I also promised to upload before 2010 and here I am, two months late. But I've actually found a way to go somewhere with this. It surprised even me where this turned out to be going, but I think I can figure things out now.

The beginning might seem kinda bad since I haven't written anything in a long period of time and I didn't want you guys to wait any longer (if there's still anyone around who's interested in this story, that is). Sorry for the long wait, but I hope you enjoy anyway.

* * *

Killua didn't return the next day. Or the day after. Nor did he return within the following week. He simply never came back at all. His disappearance led to eventually splitting up. No matter how much they liked each other, some things had to be done and this was one of them. Kurapika had been the first to leave and Gon and Leorio didn't wait until long before they followed his example. In the beginning Gon had tried to convince both of them to stay, but Kurapika made clear what he was planning on doing.

"I'm sorry Gon, but this isn't going to work. I like you guys, I really do, but I need to do this alone."

"You don't have to do it by yourself, Kurapika. You're not alone in this," Gon had answered. "We're your friends. We'll be at your side no matter what."

"I know that. But at this point you'd just be in my way. This is something I've got to do myself."

"What's this 'something' you keep talking about?" Gon insisted. "Are you planning on going back to fighting the Genei Ryodan again?"

Kurapika didn't answer to his accusation. Instead he bowed down his head and looked at the floor, refusing to see the reprimanding look in Gon's eyes.

"Answer me, Kurapika!"

"I can't. I can't lie to you, yet it's also not true what you're implying."

"I don't get you." Right, Leorio had also been there.

"You don't need to get me, Leorio. You're a good friend of mine, but you have no need to know my thoughts or my plans."

Gon and Leorio looked at each other, then both turned to look at him. Gon spoke again. "Last time you were acting like this you were after the Spiders. Killua and I even let ourselves get caught so you would see where this revenge would take you. You didn't let us down, Kurapika. If there was anyone who endangered us, I am to blame. I came out of hiding and pulled Killua along. We did it so you would be safe. You're the most calculating person I know, you think everything over until the outcome is to your liking. But that time you were about to get yourself killed if we hadn't interfered. Taking on the whole Genei Ryodan on your own? We wouldn't even have survived it if it was all four of us at the time. Even now, I doubt you'd be strong enough to handle more than three of them at once. Not to mention Kuroro. We don't want you to throw your life away like that."

"If it's not for us, at least do it for Killua," Leorio said. "Who knows what he'll do when he returns and finds out you got yourself killed. He would track down your dead body and beat you up telling you what a moron you are."

The mentioning of Killua's name made his eyes flash a feint glimpse of red. He didn't bother trying to hold it back, he knew his friends felt the same pain he did. Well, maybe not in the exact same way and proportions, but still. The loss of their friend was something they had yet to learn to live with, even after four monts.

"He won't come back, so don't promise me things you can't fulfill." A distinctive calmness entered his voice. "No Gon, don't," he continued as he knew Gon would swear he would chase him down himself. "We don't even know if he's alive or not, although he probably is. I can't imagine someone who could kill him, but it's been four months already…" Kurapika shook his head. It was hard to believe so much time had already gone by. It almost seemed like yesterday he disappeared. Yet every day was a living, never-ending hell.

"_There's someone stronger than me, Gon."_

Gon swallowed. There was definitely no one out there who was strong enough to kill Killua, but…

"_It's me."_

It wasn't possible. There was another reason Killua never got back after that night, he was sure of it. He must be trying to figure things out, he thought, just like Kurapika was about to do. Kurapika… what was up with them? Why were they both getting more and more consumed by dark thoughts, thoughts that he thought had vanished long time ago? He couldn't put it together. Killua and Kurapika were friends, it was only natural to assume that if anything bad happened to them, the other one would worry. But what had happened? Just all of a sudden they both started acting strange. If anything was wrong, wouldn't they have shared it with him? He clenched his fists shut, no, he shouldn't even be thinking of things like the end of their friendship. There was a reason for all this, there was a reason Gon couldn't know of what was happening.

"Kurapika… I know we're still friends. I know there's a reason you can't tell me whatever it is you're holding back. I refuse to think otherwise. I won't believe anything else, even if you swear it."

Kurapika looked at him, his eyes still showing a gleamse of scarlet.

Gon smiled at him. A genuine smile, though a bit nervous. "I know you'll be setting off to a dangerous, uncertain future. But I also know you'll come back, and when you do, all four of us will be together again. So please, be careful." He reached out his hand, which Kurapika accepted.

His hand was strong, warm and full of resolution. Kurapika promised to himself that he would see him again someday. But before that, he would find his lost comrade. He wouldn't return before he had done so. Maybe Killua didn't want to be found, but that was his problem. The only thing that worried him was that something could have happened to him. Let an unstable killer loose in the streets and who knew what might have occured. And it wasn't the innocent people he was worried about.

In the following week Gon and Leorio also went their own ways. Leorio wanted to get back to a normal life and forget about it all, saying "if Killua wants to come back, he is free to do so. Nothing good will come from pursuing an assassin who doesn't want to be around his own friends. He just needs time to think over whatever is troubling his mind." But Gon couldn't let go of it. He spent every minute searching for clues and trying to get any leads regarding the whereabouts of his friend. But it was no use. Killua was a Hunter, a Zaoldyeck, his friend. He knew how to hide his existence from him. But Gon never stopped looking.

It wasn't until after another few months he found something. His shivering hands were fumbling with his phone, trying to call Kurapika. He knew the number by heart and finally succeeded in dialing it without looking away from the screen.

Kurapika didn't answer.

_Not now…_

Gon had never gotten to talk to him once since his leaving. But now he really had to, he _had _to. Tears streamed down his face, his hands cancelling the call and dropping the now silent phone. His eyes looked at Killua's picture on the Hunter site, the title carved into his memories.

_Zaoldyeck family murder_


	10. Chapter 9 & 10: Blood

Again I want to apologize to everyone who's wanted me to continue! This story holds a special place in my heart and though I no longer write for anime/manga fandoms, I do feel that I should finish this story one day. Actually, I was looking at my list of published stories on here and thought 'what the heck, lets write another chapter' and suddenly I'd done so! So I promise you that this story will be completed. I'm already closing in on the ending anyway since I hate running around the subject at hand for too long when writing a romance story (listen to me like I'm an expert, this is the first romance story I've ever written, in fact the only one, haha).

As you may have read in the last chapter, I had an idea where this was going. Seeing as I wrote that chapter about a year and a half ago, I have absolutely no clue what I meant by that. So I just thought up some new stuff, maybe it was my original plan all along, I don't know. I hope you enjoy this chapter nonetheless, it's probably the longest I've written (I had originally ended it exactly halfway) so I hope it makes up for the long wait, if there are still any original readers out there. ;)

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"Hunters have secured Kukuruu Mountain and are patrolling the area around Zaoldyeck mansion in case the suspect shows up again. Everyone is advised to only go outside if absolutely necessary and never travel alone by any means. The suspect is incredibly dangerous and has shown no mercy to his victims, all belonging to a well known family of assassins. There is reason to believe the one responsible for the killings is a member of this family as well. If you encounter the suspect shown in the picture, your first priority is to get out of there yourself. Don't fight him, no matter your status or rank as a Hunter, but contact the Hunter Association as soon as possible. The suspect has been located in the following places…"

Gon read the warning over and over, trying to figure out what had happened. It was impossible. He'd never expected he'd hear this way from Killua again. He silently wished that he hadn't heard about him at all. Not like this.

His phone rang and he immediately brought it up to his ear. "Hello? Kurapika?" The words tumbled out of his mouth, his brain racing to keep his thoughts together. It was as if now everything finally seemed to get to him.

"It's Leorio," a familiar voice on the other end of the line answered. "I take it you've read the Hunter site?" He sounded strange, with a certain distance present in his voice. Like he was horrified by the events that had happened on Kukuruu Mountain. Gon figured that would be the general reaction from people who didn't know Killua, but it astonished him that Leorio of all people sounded like he didn't want to have anything to do with him.

"Gon?"

"Yes, I… I've seen it," he finally answered. A short silence fell between the two of them.

"What're we going to do about it?" He forced himself to calm down. "We need to find out what really happened, right? We should go there right now."

"Gon…" It wasn't right, he could almost hear Leorio shaking his head through the phone.

"Leorio, you sound weird." Another silence. "Where are you? We'll meet up there. Can you get a hold of Kurapika?"

"Stop it, Gon. I'm not going anywhere."

He wiped a tear off his cheek. "Don't say that, Leorio. You can't be serious. Killua's our friend. Something's happened. This is the only lead we've had in months and we have to do something!"

"Will you listen to me? I've said it before and I'll say it again. If Killua doesn't want to be found, no good will come from searching for him. And to be honest, Gon… if Killua murdered his whole family… I'm not so sure I want to be looking for him."

"Leorio! You're his friend! You can't just abandon him like that!"

"Then you go look for him. Bring him back. Get him to talk. I think of friends as people who I know through and through, who share their problems with me so I can help them figure things out. And even if he doesn't come to me, I would at least expect him to turn to you or Kurapika. But he hasn't even contacted the two of you for all this time. You want me to go on a wild goose chase when all he's caused us is worries and sleepless nights? No. If he wants to come back, he'll be back. Until then I'm minding my own business."

"You're wrong."

"How come?"

"People can't always come back if they want to." With that he ended the call, his fingers trembling. If Leorio wasn't coming and Kurapika wouldn't answer him, he was going by himself.

It took him days to arrive at Killua's former home. Upon arriving he immediately noticed the hunters that were guarding the area. One of them looked at him suspiciously as he approached him.

"Get out of here, this area is strictly prohibited. It's extremely dangerous."

Gon didn't pay the man any attention, instead he kept on walking until the guard caught up with him and blocked his way. Some other patrolman started to walk towards them, apparently curious about the fearless intruder.

"Please get out of my way, I have somewhere to go," Gon answered, staring in the direction of where the enormous mansion should be.

"Didn't you hear a word I said? You can't," the guard replied. "This place is off-limits. I'll be responsible if someone gets killed on my watch."

"No one will get killed," Gon replied simply. He stepped aside as to pass the hunter, but a very sharp looking weapon immediately blocked his way.

"You should be careful, that looks like it could seriously hurt somebody."

The hunter smiled warningly. "That is exactly what it's supposed to do."

Gon cocked his head to the side. "You really think it will save you in case Killua comes back?"

The man visibly gulped, suddenly looking not so tough. He glanced to the side to see his friends staring at him, hands on their own weapons.

"Who are you?" he eventually asked. "What do you know about Killua Zaoldyeck?"

"I'm Gon. I'm Killua's friend," he proudly stated, though inwardly he knew that after everything that happened the last few months he probably shouldn't be. But he would never give up, he would never stop believing Killua was his friend until he honestly told him so himself.

"I came here to find him. I think that would be helpful to you guys, so if you could please let me through…" He took a step forward –

The weapon was now placed at his throat, so close that he could feel it slightly drawing blood. He looked up to see the hunter holding it looking back at him determinedly. "Sorry, Gon. Clear instructions. None shall enter this area. Especially not a kid like you."

Gon looked at him coolly. "I bet I surpass you in both Hunter Rank and skills."

Again that smile. "You're kidding me, right."

Gon's stern look was now replaced by a smile of his own, a confident, genuine one at that. "I'm not."

After a full three seconds the surrounding crowd stared at the scene that had unfolded in front of them. The 'kid' was holding the razor sharp spear the guard had been carrying at his own throat the same way he had done before, the only difference being him lying on his back, eyes widened in surprise, his mouth slightly opened.

Gon looked up when he heard a whisper from one of the other hunters that had gathered around.

"Isn't that… Gon Freecss? I've heard of him."

Another voice replied, speaking out loud. "So what if it's him, he can't be a match for all of us together."

"Then you fight him, I'll be returning to my post." He saw one man remove himself from the circle of hunters. Not long after that all the other hunters followed his example, leaving one man to face him. It was the same guy that spoke up earlier.

"And they call themselves hunters," he mumbled, loud enough for Gon to hear. He unsheathed his weapon, a long, shining sword, and assumed a fighting position. He only got halfway though, as the next second he was lying face down on the ground, his blade broken in two. He managed to roll onto his side, the brown mud stuck to his beard as he saw a blurry shape distance himself from him before he passed out.

Being a hunter Gon was no stranger to gruesome images, but this scene was beyond anything he'd ever seen before. The entire inside of the mansion was painted red with blood. Blood. It was everywhere. On the walls, on the ceiling, on the ground, every room was covered in blood.

The bodies were still there. Apparently no one had dared to remove them from the house with Killua possibly nearby. Gon felt sick as he passed them. He barely recognized the faces of Killua's father and grandfather, the way they were mauled seemed almost impossible.

Impossible.

He blinked, it suddenly came to him. There was no way Killua would brutally kill off his entire family like that. No matter how much he hated them, he knew he was connected to them, that he could never escape the name of the Zaoldyeck.

He closed his eyes, using Gyo to concentrate his aura. But before he could open them, he sensed the presence of someone standing behind him.

"Long time no see, Gon."

He spun around, knowing that voice all too well. His heart jumped up with joy despite the dreadful sight around him. Before him stood Killua, hands in his pockets, eyes twinkling. It was as if nothing ever changed.

"Kill… Killua."

"So you've noticed, huh."

His thoughts seemed to have come to a halt the second he perceived his presence.

"Noticed what?"

Killua laughed. It was so similar to the laugh he was used to hearing from him, yet it wasn't exactly the same.

Killua spread his arms, referring to the scene around him. "Tell me what you see."

Gon turn around again, not thinking about the fact that he showed his back to a supposedly ruthless killer. He gasped as he stared at the spot the bodies had been earlier. In front of him were large amounts of blue aura, tightly molded into human forms.

He suddenly felt a light pressure on his shoulder, causing him to turn his head. He stared at Killua who now stood beside him, a smirk playing on his face.

"They're… they're fake?"

"They sure are."

"But… I don't understand."

"Sit down. I'll explain."

It was exceptionally dark tonight. Kurapika stared at the crescent moon as his fingers absentmindedly played with the chain wrapped around his hand. He had a funny feeling something important was going on.

"Dowsing Chain," he whispered, though he wasn't really expecting any results. Ever since the day Killua left, he'd tried it over and over again, every night as he stared out at the cool moon. It never yielded any results, but it slightly seemed to sooth the pain in his heart. While the lack of functional direction of his chain proved to him that his search for Killua was far from over, looking at that lunar object in the sky he felt that while he couldn't reach him, he was still out there. However cold and distant, he was somewhere to be found. And inexplicably, tonight felt like that moment was closer than ever.

Gon stared at him, still in awe that he was sitting opposite his best friend after all this time, seemingly like nothing strange had ever happened between the two of them. Killua had told him that he'd explain, but so far he hadn't said anything. He just said there, unfathomable, that smile still playing on his lips but Gon could tell that the truthfulness to it had faded – the same way the twinkle in his eyes had now disappeared. He didn't pay it too much attention though, since he himself also experienced feelings that now suppressed his previous excitement. He had to know exactly what was going on before he could loosen up.

"So… Killua…" He hesitantly spoke up, trying to gauge the other boy. "Can you please tell me what's going on? I think I deserve that much."

"You do." Another silence, though it didn't last as long as the one before. "But first, tell me what you know."

"I don't know anything," Gon blurted out. "I've thought things through thousands of time, but I don't know. I really don't know, Killua."

Killua averted his gaze, stared at the walls that were still splashed with blood. "That's exactly why I'm here, Gon. Because there was something I didn't know."

"You could've asked me," Gon said accusingly, but immediately shut his mouth after the look Killua gave him.

"Trust me, Gon. You wouldn't know. And I wouldn't want you to know what was bothering me. It was personal… It all was personal. Telling you would only make things worse. I needed some time to think. That's why I came here."

He quirked an eyebrow at Gon's raised hand. "Yes?"

"Oh. Well. Killua, if that's all you needed, why did you disappear like that? Why did you pretend to have murdered your entire family? Come to think of it…" He nervously glanced around. "Where are they?"

Killua chuckled. "They're abroad on a big assassination mission. I got the house all to myself and didn't want anyone snooping around while I was… dealing with my problems. To answer your questions, Gon… you have to understand that I would've stayed with you guys if I thought that it would solve things. But you should have noticed the change in my demeanor the last few days I spent with you. No matter how much I pretend to be just a regular person, Gon, I have certain weaknesses that I can't always overcome."

Gon bent forward to put a hand on his knee. "None of us are perfect, Killua. But we're always here to help you. Even if you don't want to accept it, you can come to us any time you want. Just… next time, don't leave like that and keep us hanging in the dark. Even if it's just a simple phone call. I just need to know you're safe."

Killua bowed his head, an air of shame around him. "I know, Gon. I'm truly sorry for what I put you guys through. But please, try to understand. I didn't leave because I wanted to."

Suddenly a body was pressed against his. Surprised at first he tried to register what was happening, whether or not he was being physically attacked by someone, but then he recognized the movement as a simple, friendly hug.

After they both separated, Gon noticed a true smile on his lips. The smile that he'd seen from him so many times before. He knew everything was okay now. Maybe Killua wouldn't be ready to come back yet, but things were going to get better. He knew he was safe, that he hadn't slaughtered his entire family. He hadn't gone insane. He was still his friend.

Maybe that was the most important fact of all. Killua was still his friend.

After saying their goodbyes – Killua had to promise him to stop by when he figured things out – he slowly made his way towards the gates of the Zaoldyeck estate. He greeted the guards, or at least the ones who didn't try to hide the minute they saw him approaching, then continued his way home. Aunt Mito hadn't known about Killua's disappearance, but now that everything seemed to be fine he needed a familiar face to talk to.

Speaking of which… He had to inform his friends that he'd found him. Killua had made him swear though that he wouldn't disclose his whereabouts. He said he would come to them when he was ready. Gon understood. And so he called Leorio and told him that they would be back together soon. Leorio did sound a bit happier at this statement, possibly due to the fact that Gon told him that the killings were a misunderstanding, and complimented him on his determination. He found himself smiling when Leorio called him 'the best friend Killua could have'. Then he dialed Kurapika's number.

He still wouldn't answer.

The cool breeze filled his room through the open doors to his balcony. It smelled like it would be raining soon. He sat on his bed, eyes still fixated on the sky. He couldn't see a thing outside as the moon was blocked by dark clouds. It was late, he should probably head to bed. But still, there was that feeling inside of him that kept him awake. He felt a bit tense for reasons he couldn't imagine. Tonight, he felt, things were going to change.

He glanced at the clock next to his bed. Maybe he should go to sleep, find some comfort in his dreams. They were the only place where he could forget about everything.

Looking up however, sleep turned out to be the last thing on his mind. In the darkness he immediately perceived a jet black silhouette outside, squatted down on the balustrade.

Before he could undertake any action it swiftly moved and graciously landed on the floor. He could only stare at it, eyes shining a dangerous glimpse of red. An intense, warm feeling seemed to shoot throughout his body at this presence closing in on him. No, he thought, it couldn't be…

The clouds that had concealed the moon had moved on, enabling the soft moonlight to lit the room. He held his breath as it reflected on the appearance in front of him.

"You're back…"

He came to a halt, a few feet away from him. Kurapika hadn't moved a single inch. He could only stare, silently wondering whether or not he was already asleep and dreaming of a moment he'd wished so long for to happen.

"Hello, Kurapika."

Hearing his voice, however, confirmed his deepest wanting. He was here.


End file.
